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To understand what makes marriages work, we need to talk about why they sometimes end, says family law professor Jeannie Suk Gersen. Follow along as she lays out three ways that thinking about marital decisions through the lens of divorce can help you better navigate togetherness from the beginning.
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Til death do us part when we get married, we make sows to love to honor to forsake all others, or as a friend of mine, put it not to leave dirty socks all over the house.
We may fall short of some of our promises some of the time.
But one that will always hold true is that first one till death do us part because spouses are bound together by their decisions in marriage and in divorce.
So a mentor of mine once told me, you should always marry your second husband, first, what did that mean it? Didn't mean that mr.
right is somehow waiting behind door? Number two, it meant that if you want to understand what makes a marriage work, you should think about how a marriage ends.
Divorce makes extremely explicit what the tacit rules of marriage are.
And everyone should understand those rules because doing so can help us build better marriages from the beginning.
I know, it doesn't sound very romantic.
But sometimes the things we do out of love can be the very things that make it hard for that love to last I.
Am a family law.
Professor, I have taught students I've been an attorney I'm, a mediator and I've also been divorced and I'm.
Now, happily married to my actual second husband, the reason that I think this is so important is that I think everyone should be having some of these very painful conversations that divorce people experience.
These are painful conversations about what we contributed what we owe what we are willing to give.
And what we give up and also what's important to us.
Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage.
Not after it is broken, because when when you wait until it's broken, it's too late, but if you have them early on, they can actually help build a better marriage, three ideas that I want to put on the table for you to consider one sacrifice should be thought of as a fair exchange - there's, no such thing as free childcare and three what's, yours probably becomes ours.
So let me talk about each of these ideas.
The first one sacrifice should be a fair exchange.
Take the example of Lisa and Andy Lisa.
Decides to go to medical school, early in the marriage and Andy works to support them and Andy works night shifts in order to do that.
And he also gives up a great job in another city.
He does this out of love.
But of course, he also understands that Lisa's degree will benefit them both in the end.
But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful, and he starts drinking heavily and Lisa looks at her life, and she looks at Andy.
And she thinks this is not the bargain I wanted to make a couple of years go by she graduates her medical school and she files for a divorce.
So in my perfect world, some kind of marriage mediator would have been able to talk to them before Lisa went to medical school.
And at that point that mediator might have asked how exactly does fair exchange work.
What does it look like in your marriage? What are you willing to give? And what are you willing to? Oh so in a divorce Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy financial support for years and Andy.
No amount of financial support is going to make him feel compensated for what he gave up and the lost traction in his career.
If the two of them had thought about their split early on what might have gone differently? Well, it's possible that Lisa would have decided that she would take loans or work a part-time job in order to support her own tuition.
So that Andy wouldn't have had to bear the entire burden for that and Andy might have decided to take that job in that other City.
And maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years while Lisa finished her degree.
So let's, take another couple Emily and Deb.
They live in a big city.
They have two children.
They both work Emily gets a job in a small town, and they decide to move there together and Deb quits.
Her job to look after the children, full-time dad leaves behind an extended family, her friends and a job that she really liked.
And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely.
And ten years later, Deb has an affair and things fall apart.
Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved.
And before Deb put her job might have asked them.
What do your choices about childcare do to the obligations you have to each other? How do they affect your relationship? Because you have to remember that there is no such thing as free childcare.
If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand, what would have gone differently? Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better how much her family and her friends were important to her precisely in what she was taking on, which is full-time Parenthood, perhaps Emily in weighing the excitement of the new job, offer might have also thought about what that would mean for the cost to Deb.
And what would be odd to Deb as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.
So let's go back to Lisa Andy Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother before the marriage.
And when they got married, they bought a home and Lisa put that inheritance toward down payment on that home.
And then Andy, of course, worked to make the mortgage payments and all of their premarital and marital property became joined that inheritance is now marital property.
So in a split what's gonna happen they're gonna have to sell the house and split the proceeds or one of them can buy the other out.
So this marriage mediator, if they had talked to them before, all of this happened, then that person would have asked what do you want to keep separate? And what do you want to keep together? And how does that choice actually support the security of the marriage? Because you have to remember that what's, yours probably will become ours unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise.
So if they had thought about their split, maybe they would have decided differently, maybe Lisa would have thought, maybe the inheritance can stay separate and saved for a day when they might actually need it.
And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn't have been as onerous, and maybe Andy wouldn't have had to work so hard to make those payments.
And maybe he would have become less resentful.
Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house and been content to do that.
The point is if they had had a divorce conscious discussion about what to keep separate their marriage might have been more connected and more together, too often in marriage.
We make sacrifices, and we demand them without reckoning their costs.
But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags attached to our marital decisions in just the way that divorce law teaches us to do what I want is for people to think about their marital bargains through the lens of divorce.
And to ask, how is marriage a sacrifice, but in exchange of sacrifice, how do we think about our exchange? Second? How do we think about childcare and deal with the fact that there is no such thing as free childcare? How do we deal with the fact that think some things can be separate? And some things can be together? And if we don't think about it, then it will all be part of the joint joint enterprise.
So basically what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce? People should think about the way that till death do us part marriage is forever.
GERSEN: And the important thing that I draw is not that you can only meet the man of your dreams or the woman of your dreams the second time, but rather that the mindfulness about what a marriage is, the sacrifices that are exchanged, all of those principles become more easy to think about once one has been through a ...Why do marriages fall apart? ›
Incompatibility and Growing Apart
a lack of shared values. marrying too young (which makes growing apart more likely) sexual difficulties, and. religious differences.
Infidelity, arguing, infertility, and lack of commitment are some of the top reasons for divorce in the world. There's usually more than one cause of divorce, though. Most divorce reasons are preventable, though, when both partners are in love and willing to spend time and energy in solving the differences.What is number 1 cause of divorce? ›
Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. Here are the reasons given and their percentages: Lack of commitment 73% Argue too much 56%